Blog: Wank Dispatches – A Titanic Discovery

In this personal piece, Fumble blogger Alex offers advice for when you think you might have broken your dick, featuring Leonardo DiCaprio 

Getting a grip on how to wank is a serious business. I know someone who had to go to A&E after something unfortunate happened to his penis during a mishandled session. To be clear, this happened to a friend. Someone I know, who isn’t me, (honestly), tore his frenulum masturbating too vigorously. He snapped his banjo string.

I, thankfully, have never had such an accident – but as a teenager, I could hardly claim to be a wanking virtuoso either. In fact, I discovered wanking almost by mistake.

I think there’s always an element of the random in learning to wank. It’s not something people regularly discuss, but from the snippets I’ve heard, everyone seems to pick up how to masturbate through trial and error; and at some point the majority discover what works for them. So my top (and only, really) tip on how to wank – explore. Relax and explore.

I did a lot of my early exploring with Leonardo DiCaprico. 

I can’t remember exactly when I masturbated for the first time. I must have been around 12, because back then I slept a cabin bed, the kind you have in middle school. This was also around the time I began to suspect I might be gay.

I honestly didn’t even know how two gay men could have sex (how I imagined it at the time is something I now know to be called docking – Google it). As a result, my first masturbatory fantasies were hilariously tepid, and they all centred around Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.

My working method – if you could call it that – was lying on my side and thrusting, with my penis receiving the resultant friction from my mattress. I honestly didn’t give much thought as to whether I was doing it right, all I knew was that it felt good. Really good.

So me and Leonardo were kissing, and I started to break out in a sweat from all the exertion. Of course, the better it felt the more vigorous I continued to thrust. Faster and harder until…

Leonardo Dicaprio Love GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Something comes out of my penis and it’s much thicker than urine.

I didn’t mention this phenomenon until over ten years later, when I found out through male friends that it is actually a relatively common reaction to a first wank. My first – and only – thought was, ‘I think I might have broken my dick.’

I began to panic. I had absolutely no idea how to process what had just occurred.

My dad was working abroad at the time, so the only person I could think of asking for help was my mum. But then I’d have to tell her about me and Leo, and that would just open up a whole other can of worms. So instead, I went back to sleep.

In hindsight, there are many things for which I’m not proud of my twelve year old self, including spraying his eyebrows purple, and looking like some Green Day memorabilia threw up on him. But not going into my mum’s room that night to tell her that I thought I might have broken my penis, thus avoiding what I can only imagine would be a lifetime of shame, was definitely a judgement call of which I can be proud.

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