Who’s faking it, and why?
Faking orgasms is a pretty common occurrence – in fact, research from Durex suggests as many as one in ten women fake an orgasm every week.
But, even though many people are doing it, admitting you are faking is not an easy confession.
No. Don’t panic. Perhaps you’ve faked an orgasm, but that doesn’t make you a fake person.
There are lots of reasons behind fake orgasms:
We may be tired. We might not be in the mood. Perhaps we’re bored, but we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
We may want to call it quits, and feel that it’s easier to fake it than call a halt to the fumbling. Or we may be feeling the pressure to orgasm at the same time as our partner(s).
Maybe we don’t actually know what turns us on, and makes us orgasm. This isn’t unusual – especially for women or people with vaginas (which we will come back to.)
But why do we feel the pressure to fake the orgasm?
A lot of us learn what sex ‘should’ be like from pornography.
But porn is not realistic. It gives us very skewed ideas of what is ‘normal’, and sex education isn’t currently doing enough to counter these ideas.
One of these porn-induced ‘norms’ is that sex has to finish with a simultaneous, explosive orgasm from all people involved.
But that’s not how it goes in real life.
We all have different turn ons. Some people take a long time to orgasm, some people are quicker. Perhaps we have to know the person intimately before feeling able to finish – orgasms are as personal as it gets, after all.
The more the anxieties build about finishing “on time”, the less the orgasm does.
Finishing “on time”? Isn’t sex supposed to be about pleasure and communication?
Yes! But when it comes down to it, we can still feel pressured to fake the fireworks.
Why can’t I just orgasm instead of faking it?
As mentioned above, it’s common that women or people with vaginas don’t know what turns them on immediately.
We don’t get taught enough about female/vagina-based pleasure. It’s improving, but it’s still a taboo.
Sex education heavily focuses on the penis and male pleasure. The idea that sex finishes when the man finishes is still very prominent.
Pornography heavily adds to this notion.
And this doesn’t only refer to women/people with vaginas. Sex education and porn are both very heteronormative, cisgendered and Penis-In-Vagina focused, which excludes a lot of people from the idea of ‘normal’ sex.
Now that is a ridiculous notion – not the fact we don’t know what turns us on!
So it’s often down to teaching ourselves and working out how we want to be intimate with other people. That can take time.
But that’s okay, because we have lots of time to explore our own bodies! That ticking clock has no relevance here.
So how do we go about changing our faking habits?
That depends on the reason behind the faking and it might be helpful to think over that.
Are you feeling the pressure to finish with a bang? You’re not yet sure what turns you on? Or something else/a mixture of it all?
Getting to know your own body may help with a lot of that: to let go of the porn-induced ideas, reduce anxieties, and teach yourself about what you enjoy.
It’s much easier to communicate about what turns you on, if you’ve taken the time to find out by yourself. Masturbation is a wonderful way to do this.
Remember: if you’re faking because you want to stop or finish faster – you can say no at any point.
That is always your right. It’s not always easy but, if the person is worth your time, they will respect your no.
Should we be confessing to fake orgasms?
There’s no right or wrong here. That’s entirely up to you.
Be aware that sometimes we take it personally upon hearing about faked orgasms. It’s easy to leap to the assumption that someone’s fake orgasm means we weren’t good enough in bed.
Of course, it’s more complicated than that! But, if you do bring it up, be prepared for this reaction.
Ultimately, remember that this is about you: your body, your pleasure and your orgasms.