[Blog] Wank Dispatches: On The Outside

In this personal blog, a Fumble writer recalls becoming an accidental third wheeler in a mutual masturbation session

If you didn’t think puberty was a strange time for all concerned, you probably wouldn’t be on this website. But sometimes things happen during those years of woe that are unexplainable – and this is one of those stories.

I wasn’t a particularly popular teen, which I partly put down to my ridiculously youthful appearance – regularly being mistaken for a new school starter when you enter your GCSE year is not what you want. But one Saturday night I summoned as many friends as I could muster for one of those awkward parents-have-gone-away-let’s-get-pissed/high/be-awkward-together gatherings (seven boys, one girl, classic). I was a late puberty blossomer, but I think we were all about 16.

Later that night, two of these friends, both male, who shall remain nameless, disappeared. We were having a decent time – but I was very aware the house was developing into a familiar state of disrepute and it absolutely reeked of skunk, a smell I just couldn’t imagine being able to get rid of by the following morning.

I nipped upstairs to see where the boys had gone – my room, it turned out – and as I approached the locked door I heard the tinny tones of what I believed to be a YouTube video. At a second listen, I recognised the all-too-familiar sound of an amateur porn video. Surely this couldn’t be what I thought it was.

I knocked, was ushered in, and I had been right. Even worse than the sound of an empty, pixelated coupling was the sight of my two childhood friends sat, side-by-side, erections in hand, masturbating slowly but with purpose.

The strangest aspect of the situation was that I was made to feel like the odd one in the room, for finding the whole thing weird, for not joining in, for wanting to leave, for wanting to tell the others. The other two made me feel as though they were part of this club that I couldn’t quite be a part of. It was just like being at school.

They continued for a few minutes, and I didn’t leave, not sure why. One of them came, all over his hands and now flaccid penis. It was pretty uncomfortable – I left them to it after a few minutes and dragged myself downstairs when the prospect of seeing another of my childhood friends coming all over my carpet became a little too much for me to handle. I then went on to usher this memory away, and it was only a chance conversation with my girlfriend a year or so ago that brought it back.

I suppose there are many things that can be taken away from the episode, but the main one for me is what is so incredible about puberty is how a person can always be made to feel like an outsider, whether they’re operating within the realms of typical behaviour, or miles outside of it.

Suffice to say, neither of these people have had much of a role to play in my post-pubescent life – but if I could offer once piece of advice it’s this: masturbation, either by yourself or with a friend, is a totally normal and healthy part of adolescence. Just do it in your own bedroom, or if you must use someone else’s, check they’re cool with it first.

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