Sex can be – as I think we all agree – a wonderful thing, but it can also come with a few complexities, and UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION is one of the biggest
Sex, Sex, Sex.
It’s everywhere, right?
The problem with sex is that we’re all supposed to be good at it, even if a) we’ve never done it before; or b) if we have very little experience of it. That’s right, the expectations of our sexual knowledge are TOTALLY UNREALISTIC from the moment we start exploring it.
The truth is that learning about sex is no different than learning about anything else – it happens across time and in stages. You can learn through multiple avenues:
- Guidance – check out Brook – they’re great with this, AND keep looking around the Fumble site too!
2) Your peers – they’re learning about sex at the same time as you (despite the fact that some of them may be pretending that they already know everything that there is to know);
and 3) or you can learn through doing, which should always be in an enthusiastic and consensual environment.
That word EXPECTATION doesn’t only put pressure on us to ‘perform,’ but it also strips us of the joy of exploring and discovering something new – we’re talking about new feelings, new emotions, new sounds, new smells, and the cool new things you can do with your body. Expectation all builds up to potential DISAPPOINTMENT, which isn’t cool either.
The pressure we feel inside comes from the outside.
And it’s focused on the fact that we’re supposed to be 1) having sex; and 2) being good at something which we’ve never done before (or have very little experience of), which is, as I’m sure you would agree, quite ridiculous.
The phrase ‘FAKE IT, ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT’ is probably one that you’ve heard being thrown around in a number of different contexts before. There’s an element of truth in it, as confidence can often be attractive to potential sexual partners, but honestly… it can only get you so far.
Plus, nobody likes someone who is pretending to be good at something that they’re really not very good at.
It all starts with being VULNERABLE – this is the hardest step, and once you’re past it everything else will become a lot easier.
Ask yourself – if you tell a potential partner about your lack of sexual experience, and they react negatively, are they really the sort of person you want to be having sex with you?
You know the answer to that.
But just remember, that we ALL started out on our sexual journeys as complete novices; we ALL knew nothing.
And you know what ***SPOLIER ALERT*** that discovery never really takes you to any final destination, where you know everything about sex. We’re all on continuing journeys of sexual discovery and learning, which take place at different stages in our life, no matter how old or in/experienced we are.
With potential sexual partners (new or old), it’s ok to say:
❓That you don’t know what you’re doing
❓That you don’t know what you like (plus this can change over time).
Chances are the person you’re having sex with is working with the same issue of UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION too, and they’ll probably be relieved to hear your words, making the experience all the more enjoyable for the both of you.
And when you do get past the first hurdle of vulnerability there are a few things you can try:Ask someone what they like to do sexually
And when you do get past the first hurdle of vulnerability there are a few things you can try:
💭 Ask someone what they like to do sexually
💭Ask someone how they would like it done to them
💭 Experiment with things
Be comfortable laughing at things with your partner when they go wrong – sex isn’t meant to be serious when it’s consensual and shared enthusiastically.
And hey, you know what? If you’re not ready to have sex, then you’re not ready. Sexual abstinence is as simple as that. Don’t feel pressured into having sex when you don’t want it – nobody should be making you do that.
The Personal Experience
All of the advice we’ve offered basically boils down to this: it’s good to talk about sex before you have it, and even while you’re doing it.
I remember losing my virginity, and I genuinely wish I’d admitted at the time that I didn’t know what I was doing, rather than pretending that I already knew everything. It probably would have led to a positive sexual experience which I would have remembered for the wonderful feelings of intimacy and exploration rather than just having the pressure to ‘do it’ being off of my shoulders.
Because that’s not sex is all about. BELIEVE ME.