3 tips for guys seeking their first gay experience

Alex Chenery-Howes cis-man, cisgender, coming out, consent, experimentation, first time, gay, Homophobia, homosexual, Identity, LGBT, LGBTQ+, pride, same-sex, Sex, Sexuality

Tips for cis men who want to try sex with other cis men – in a safe and respectful way

To begin, I’d like to clarify that this article is not necessarily about questioning your sexuality. Everyone should be able to explore their curiosities in a pleasurable and positive way, and it’s important to understand that you can try new things without subscribing to any fixed labels. These tips are for cis men who want to try sex with other cis men, in a safe and respectful manner.

Note: ‘cisgender men’ or ‘cis men’ refers to men who were assigned male at birth, based on having a penis and other biological characteristics, and identify as men too. Cis is the opposite of trans. We discuss trans men more here, and here’s some support and advice about navigating sex and relationships for trans men and trans masculine people.

1. Be honest from the get-go that you’re curious

Whether you want to hook up with someone you’re already acquainted with (usually a gym bro, according to most porn), or you’ve been involved in a charged emoji swap on Grindr, honesty is fundamental from the beginning. Many queer people are empathetic and caring partners when it comes to exploration, but don’t agree to a ‘date’ if all you’re looking for is sexual experimentation. Your date will be pissed off if they’ve wasted a good outfit on someone who just wants to screw around.

Be clear about what you’re looking for, and everyone wins.

2. You can still be homophobic with a penis in your mouth

Want to know how? When a straight guy gets obnoxiously defensive at the thought of anything up or around his butt. The idea that ‘bottom’ = submissive, effeminate or ‘more gay’ pervades the LGBT+ community. There is nothing wrong with these traits. To state otherwise is internalised homophobia and degrading to your partner.

Time For Love by Sean Lionadh

If you want to experiment with being on top in a same-sex fumble, by all means get in there (well-lubricated of course). If you’re ‘bottoming’ and feel like you’re missing out on all the action, just remember that your prostate is the male g-spot. The pleasure it brings transcends sexuality (yep, it feels that good.) And one more thing – gay sex does not automatically mean anal sex. There are loads of ways to have fun without it!

3. People understand discretion, just don’t be an arsehole about it

Once you’ve both hoicked your trousers up, you may feel a bit awkward about where to go from there. Remember there is nothing wrong with still being unsure of yourself. Keeping your experimentation on the down-low* can give you the time and space you need to figure it all out. But be careful about how you phrase it when addressing this with your partner. Here’s an example of the wrong thing to say:

“Don’t tell anyone, I don’t want anyone thinking I’m gay.”

There is nothing wrong with being gay or being thought of as gay. Forcing your partner into a pact of silence could be construed as shame on your part. This will make them feel used. No-one wants to feel like someone’s sordid secret. Try this instead:

“Although I definitely enjoyed it, I’m don’t feel comfortable being open about it yet. If it’s okay with you I’d appreciate if you kept this between us.”

Now everyone’s a winner.

Want to give same-sex experimentation a go? I applaud you for having the confidence to pursue your newfound desires. Hopefully you’ve learnt how to go about it with respect and empathy. Now just a quick reminder of the most important thing of all: CONSENT!